Time: It's a love hate relationship

Time it's a complicated subject. An inanimate object that seems to take on its own personality and live! I don't know about you but I have a love hate relationship with time. I'm sure some of you are thinking: you should be thankful for every minute of time your given in life! To those of you that think that I would say you are absolutely right and I am very thankful for every minute I'm given. This past year has been full of so many wonderful moments I have been able to share with my love. Those are the minutes I will cherish forever and I can't wait to see what comes our way over the next year.

Ok I know your thinking I said something about hating time, and I do. That's right I love it and hate it at the same time!

Here's how: Time seems to be alive, sure it's only a concept. But I don't know if any of you have noticed but when we want an answer to something or have a deadline life seems to take on its own speed. If we are anxiously awaiting an answer time decides it wants to move painstakingly slow! Or if we have a deadline, you blink and the deadlines here and the project is not quite complete.For this reason I hate time!

This concept holds so much control over our lives, it keeps us from making decisions or makes us make quick ones, it makes us stressed and anxious or excited. Whatever time is doing it effects all areas of our lives. It bothers me that something so small and invisable holds such a leash and control on our life.

No matter how we try time will always have some effect on our lives. Even if you don't stress about decisions it still effects your life. You can arrive in three ways: Early, On time, or late. But either way time still has an effect on your life!

My challenge today is not to let time have a firm grasp on my life. Sure it will always have a small effect but I'm talking on a larger scale then arrivals. I'm talking about stress level. I'm trying to push the stress time creates out of my life. Two tools I'm using to banish this stress from my life? Patience, sure for me its a weak contender but, I'm doing my best to make this a strong area of my life! The other is being diligent! Also known as time mangement, sure this isn't the easiest thing to do, and for me its an even weaker area than patience, but I have to try I can't continue to let time drive me crazy. So here goes nothing! Bring it on Time because I'm prepared to put up a fight! I will no longer be controlled by fear of not knowing!!! I will no longer be worried about never having enough of you! I'm going to learn to make our relationship wonderful, sure I'm sure there will be moments where things aren't wonderful between the two of us, but hopefully it will be better than hate! I want to cherish absolutely every minute I'm given not just some of them!

Until Next Time

Finding Balance

I haven't written in a while so I'll give everyone that comes through this a quick update and then its on to the topic at hand.

I have spent the last couple of years trying to figure out how to make everything work in a positive direction. In some cases it's worked and in some cases life has just gotten more complicated. I have learned so much about myself in the past couple of years, and I'm happy to say that the real me is making a regular appearance in this world. For this I would like to take a minute to thank the wonderful man in my life, he brings out the best in me and helps me every day to become a better version of myself. I still have the two crazy fur kids, and they continue to share with me the joys of life each day. They continue to make me smile and feel warm and accepted in their presence. I continue to be amazed at how much they are still teaching me even though they've been in my life for 5 years. One of the main thing I've learned from them is to be happy no matter what, love each other everyday and make sure you take the time to show it!

Over the past year I've also decide to finally finish my bachelor's degree. I have hopes that one day I will be a certified teacher, sharing the joy of knowledge with a classroom full of kids.

Ok, enough about me let's talk about balance: I know some of you are thinking balance can cover a lot of topics. But the balance I refer to is the balance of your life! Not letting everything completely stress me out to the breaking point! We are all guilty of it, at one point or another. I'm learning to slowly but surely not let the stress control me, there is not enough time in life to worry about everything. The minute I stopped worrying is the minute I stopped stressing. Sure I still think about things in great detail, but I try to not let it consume me. If I feel like I'm starting to get to the obsessiveness point I make myself stop. I engage my brain in a new activity. I'm hoping this newly found technique will help as I prepare to head back to work (at some point) after being out on medical leave.

I've learned to balance my life and listen to my body. Over the past month my body has told me so many things about myself, some good and some bad. But the thing is I'm learning to listen. If I have the time and I'm feeling really tired, I first try and drink some water. IF this doesn't work and I still feel really run down (and it's not time to eat) I give my body what its asking for. Sleep, sure sometimes this means taking a nap in the middle of the day sometimes, but if it's a quick nap it doesn't interfere with my regular sleep schedule (and right now with my current illness all my body wants is sleep). I'm listening to my body and striking a happy balance between my personal needs and the needs of those around me.

I'm learning to balance my happiness in life. I try to stick to activities I enjoy these days. Mainly that means cooking and baking. I have learned to balanced this into my lifestyle, with no stress and no fuss. I forgot how much I love the kitchen and would spend every hour in it if I could! We have started making our own breads in our home and let me tell you. This gives me a huge sense of accomplishment. I love the smell of bread baking and I look forward to trying new recipes for bread and in the kitchen. I would love to get to the point of elimating the need to buy any store bought bread but I'm not sure this will be economical. We shall see what happens with this project in the near future.

The one thing in my life I can't seem to balance is school, I enjoy it but I have trouble keeping up and pushing myself. I would much rather be in the kitchen putting together and new recipe of some kind. So I struggle when I get on the computer to work on school, because all I really want to do is look up recipes to try!

For the most part though my life is mellowed and balanced and I couldn't be happier, I'm hoping the last section of balance eventually finds its way into my life!

Until Next Time
Kimberly

Friday Mornings...or at least this one anyway!

Usually Friday's are a good thing for this girl, it brings me one day closer to the weekend and the weekends bring me one day closer to my someone being in the same place with me. I have missed him so much lately. I love that man with all my heart, if he couldn't come home to me I'd have to find a way to get to him because I couldn't bear the thought of never seeing him again! So this Friday should have started like any other Friday, with happiness; but it didn't. First, I tried to sleep in but having two dogs that want breakfast and want to go outside or their gonna mess up my carpet. (which I really don't care about by the way I just don't want to have to clean it). I push myself out of bed and just feel even more grumpy than normal, it definately has sometime to do with not getting my good night last night. (Technology was not my friend, my phone just shut off without warning and wouldn't turn back on so by the time I was able to call back-I'm guessing he had already gone to bed.)

So I let the dogs out feed them breakfast and go through that routine. I then decide that I'm gonna go clean and strip the beds. This way I can finally have some clean sheets. Well in the process I discover I have major plumbing problems, I have no idea how to fix them and the two people that can aren't able to do it at the moment (one being Andy and the other being my dad-he's working a job in another town today). So not that I don't enjoying cleaning bathrooms or anything but now this ones going need major cleaning plus possibly fixing.

To add to my bad mood some idiot in CO decided to hurt a bunch of people for some reason. I know there are lots of people with lots of problems but, hurting others doesn't ever help you. If you want things to get better get real help from a counselor or someone with training. I know all of this seems insignificant but I as I was crying over the plumbing and reading peoples Facebook posts. I kept saying its not ok for me be upset about my day, but the thing is I was so wrong. I'm allowed to be upset, I'm allowed to cry and if I need to I'm allowed to talk to someone about my problems. While these problems are insignificant in the scheme of a normal daily life that persons problems aren't/weren't and he/she hurt a bunch of people.

I have problems in my life that are significant and its better for us all to just let them out no matter what. Without hurting ourselves or others but there are great ways to deal with your problems. For me one of my outlets is music, I love to turn on some good stuff and turn it up as loud as I can. Makes me forget about everything for a little while, the other part is finding that one friend who you know is gonna love you no matter what comes out of your mouth. I've found mine and I hope that others have theirs but if you don't find that friend that's gonna at least lend an ear without judging. Talk it out let it go, the other thing we can all do is not ignore the world and teach or children to do the same.

This person's act with very selfish he did what he wanted in the way that he wanted without thinking about the families he left behind. The more we remember it isn't about us the smaller our problems seem and the more we put our energy into helping the world. If anyone reads this blog and wants to comment on anything I've said please feel free I'm not going to be offended but I'm also not going to start an argument. I believe the world would be a much better and safer place if we would all get off of our duffs work a little harder and help as many people as we can.

So this Friday while my thoughts are with those in CO and I'm worried about things going on in my own house. I'm trying to remember to connect myself with others and remember that we are all connected. The more I focus on others the smaller my problems seem and the less I worry.

We should all try it, forget yoga and meditation just stop focusing on yourself and focus on others and see where that gets you!

Motivation and distraction

I attend a very rigorous online program from Western Governor's University. Before those of you want to start in on my for my choice of schooling don't! I made my choice and I feel its the right one for me. Here's the deal though...I need some motivation and I feel like life is distracting me! I have gone to two brick and mortar schools and I watched many adults do the same thing with having kids and taking a full load of classes and they seemed to be the best students but I don't know how they did it or how they had the time!

I feel unmotivated adn really distracted with everything that's going on in my life I only work part time I feel like this should be easy breezy I know people that are in school with me that are working through many classes with no problem, I know some of them are stay at home mothers and that makes a little bit of the difference but to be honest I really don't know how they don't get distracted or how the stay motivated. I want this for me I really do want it, but because I'm not doing as well I feel like I'm shooting myself in the foot.

I don't know how to motivate myself, I don't know how to reward myself. I want to but I really don't know how and I was hoping that someone passing by could give me some pointers on what I'm doing wrong everyone says pick something that matters to you but it doesn't seem to work. I can't seem to think of any reward that's good enough to motivate me. How does motivation really work, I know what I want I just don't know how to keep myself going so that I get there. Sometimes from work I feel so burnt out, that I fall asleep before I get anything done at home. Take today for example I came home with the intent of turning on my favorite show (which unlike some helps me study) and working on some of my school work. I didn't even make it through the beginning of the show and I was out! Gone! I didn't wake up until several hours later! As I write this now I've only been up for 3 hours. I have to find a way to get rid of the distractions and find small rewards that push me forward the big reward isn't enough it seems like!

How do you motivate yourself to get things done? What are your rewards? How do you keep yourself accountable?

I'm hoping that someone will respond to this if not like all my normal blogs I will be writing myself. :( Any help at all will be good help!! Thanks to those who respond!

Needing to say thank you and feeling empowered!

This summer has been a very hard and long process. For starters Andy and I have spent most of the summer apart, its a work thing and no big deal, but sometimes it still stinks! That's not the last part though, I had to have knee surgery that was supposed to be minor, and the recovery was supposed to be simple: well that hasn't happened, I am recovering but along with recovery has come spasms (which I have had occasionally throughout life, with my CP, but nothing like this.) This has been triggered at least they think by the CP. Well because the spasms come when I put pressure on my knee it harder to make it stronger/ I have no insurance so this whole thing has been very expensive to begin with. They also want me to do PT 3 times a week for 4 weeks, this is very expensive. Someone from my parents small group that she attends (who have never met me, or if they have its only been once or twice) decided to donate money to my mom to give to me to help pay for the PT. This is a big deal to me, the check was for a good deal of money. Another person has also said that that they were willing to cover what that check did not. This person does not know how much the check is for and is just willing. I am so very thankful. I'm not sure how I'm going to repay them or how I'm ever going to have the right words to say thank you, but I write this because I want the world to know there are good people out there.

The other part of my blog is about being empowered, I have been given a chance to shadow a special little girl. She has a major neurologically disorder going on. The parents seem to be lost and I am hoping to give them and little hope and a little extra hand to help them get where they would like to be with her. I know that this won't be an easy process but regardless of what this little girl has done or will do in the past she is completely worth helping and wonderfully made. One of the characteristics of her disability is a general happy disposition and she really is until her disorder seems to take over if that makes sense, I have had the chance to work with her before and things went really well. I'm hoping to be able to build the same repore with her and continue to work with her in the fall. I hope this is a good thing and I can't wait for the chance, I'm so excited and I almost feel like a kid a Christmas for now, but now I gotta get some sleep that I can work with the kids in the morning. Even when days are hard they do remind me that things are worth it and I am in the right job. There are days where things are hard and the kids test me but overall I know this is where I am supposed to be. I have also decided to change my major to focus not only on working with children but I will be working with special needs children as well. I don't know if it will be in the school system or what but I know that I will be working with both types of children and I can't wait this has reminded me of what I want and my purpose in life. I do have one I just needed to be reminded. Off to another day of work tomorrow! Hope everyone has a great night!

Netflix night!

Today was Netflix day for me: love those days! I use both parts of the service, but I'm such a slacker because I use one part more than the other! I use watch instant every night and forget about the DVD's until I've had them a month, I finally sent this last one back. When I did I didn't even bother to check the queue to see what was coming next so it was a surprise. For the first time tonight I watched Raising Helen. I know I know I'm behind on the times, but once again I learned a few things from a cliche movie!

1. Don't give up your dreams just give them a little nudge to make them fit your current situation!

I have to give a little background before I tell you the next thing I learned. Many of you may not know but right now I work with an after school and summer camp program! I love working with kids, but lately it seems like kids are definately changing! I have this fear that when I do have kids I'm going to be the harshest person on the planet because my expectations for my kids are going to be unbelievably high! That being said here's what else I learned from Raising Helen.

2. I may think I'm going to be harsh and to be honest I probably will, but my hope is that with a little practice I can find a little balance in life and show my kids the fun end and the strict in all at the same time. I read lots of parenting and teaching books all the time, just hoping that when I get there some of this stuff actually does sink in and I have a little bit of an idea of what I'm doing, because I don't like clueless.

3. I need more memories, I have a few good ones here and there but I need to take the time to document my life a little better so that when I do have kids I can share with them those memories and so that as I get older and my memory starts failing I can hold onto as many memories as possible! So from now on my camera goes everywhere, I want my house my life and flash drives to be filled with photos. I want to share my memories with the world and its never to late to start making them.

I also have one random thought to add to this blog about what I learned about Friendship this week (friendship and being a good friend is the theme for the month at my job) and I learned that even if your it its ok not to tag your best friend when your playing freeze tag! I love my kids and I wouldn't trade them for the world, the job may have its stress but they remind me everyday in some way why I do what I do. It may take all day but I do get that one little reminder

Envy

When I was little my parents used to always tell me about the green eyed monster and for the longest time I was def the green eyed monster! I spent A lot of time being jealous about A lot of things, but after a while I decided their was nothing I could do about it so I was just gonna let it go. And for years that seemed to work but I slowly feel it working its way to the surface, I'm struggling more and more to remind myself that my life is ok the way it is even with my CP! But the  more I see the world the more I want to scream no it's not ok. I know I should feel lucky because I do have it very easy compared to lots of people with the same disorder and a lot times my motto is just move on, but that doesn't seem to be working right now. I can't just seem to let it go! It's like I want to be mad, and I want to be angry. But in reality all I want is to be sane and capable, so that's my goal for the week to figure out where to go to put myself in and on a path to make me sane and capable! I know this is a short post but it's all I got for now I just need to post it outloud put it out there so maybe that would make a difference. But then again only time will tell!

Please Read-Desperate

I am desperate for someone to read this blog! I need to change and I need help! If you have read my last blog I have CP-short for Cerebal Palsey, but here's the deal I didn't get it as bad as some have it, now that doesn't mean I don't struggle with the whole idea and doesn't mean I'm not angry. But me being angry has messed things up big time! I'm out of shape my muscles are tooo tight and if I'm not careful I will end up wheel chair bond and I can't take that. I have no insurance so doing regular PT is out of the question, but how do I push myself hard enough to get all the exercises done each day and still get in the stuff that I need to burn calories! That's the other thing I have a really small frame, my current weight while not bad to many and its not bad according to the world is to much for my frame and its causing more problems, I need someone to remind me how to do this and show me where to start I'm lost and scared!

There I said it I'm scared that I screwed to many times being mad (and to be honest I'm still mad) and I'm going to loose my mobility! I couldn't handle that, I thought being in a wheel chair for a bit would be ok but all its done is scare the crap out of me! I need help, actual help form a human being to tell me where to go, I only remember a few of the exercises and I don't know which ones post surgery are ok, I also am not strong enough to stretch my muscles because they are so tight.

I have posted this next part in a message board somewhere but I was wondering if a hand bike would help with weight loss and does anyone know where I might be able to get a decent deal on one. Just like everything for those of us that aren't "normal" someone wants to make extra money because it takes a little extra work. This is really a cry for help and I hope someone reads this and can help me! I need it like yesterday!!! Also since I'm posting this on FB if anyone knows a good PT office that has decent prices for self pay patients I am looking for one for my post surgery sessions!!!!!

I really really hope someone reads this! But somehow I'm a little doubtful....but please just please if you can help please tell me how! I will do everything my power to repay you somehow!

New Life...

I doubt anyone is following this blog but lately I've been feeling the need to write, I've tried the journal and for some reason it doesn't work! I spend more time one the computer so I thought why not try it this way. Here's the deal though: if you read this and are offended I don't mean it. I'm not saying I intend to offend anyone or that I want to offend anyone. What I am saying is this blog is all my thoughts whether you agree with them or not! So here's the deal about me: for those of you that may not know.

I'm a simple southern girl looking to make the most in my life. I'm currently going to school to become a teacher, but along the way my life seems to be taking some interesting turns. For starters I love kids and I love working with kids, but I also know I want to get some special needs training...and here's why. There are lots of parents that are pushing for their child to be as mainstream (which in some cases is fine, in others not so much!) But as a teacher I don't want to be caught unprepared for what may enter my classroom, I want to know that I have as much knowledge as possible for soemthing might enter my way. Another reason I'm pursuing this root is a life long dream of mine.

This life long dream involves opening a wilderness camp for children with and without disabilities to come together and have the chance to concur things in nature. I love the wildreness and have a physical disability, but my parents taught me that I can do anything I put my mind to to be cliche "the sky was the limit". Now don't get me wrong I do have limits and I know where mine are but that doesn't mean that all things aren't possible. Even within those limits there is still a way to accomplish what I want no matter what it is. I want every child to go away from camp with this experience. I want every child to know what its like to push themselves and know they did it all alone.

This has been a life long dream that I put on the backburner for money and support, lately its been nagging me so much that I can't let it go. I have to do something to try and make this happen. I'm jsut not sure how that's going to happen or what I need to do to be prepared for this to happen. Anyway enough about what I want and see out of my life, let me tell you a little bit more about myself.I'm an animal lover with two furkids as I call them. I wouldn't trade the two of them for the world. Although their vet bill makes me think twice about having two of them sometimes.

I have found one of the most amazing men in the world and I wouldn't trade him for anything. He makes me feel like I'm the only thing that matters in life. He makes me feel like I'm the only girl for him. It's been a year and he still gives me butterflies when he calls or sends me a text. Sometimes he's the only thing that brightens my day.

A little bit about where I work, I work in an afterschool care center. With grades K-5, the age range is a little big but most of the kids are tons of fun. One of the downsides of my job is that sometimes it makes me not want to have children of my own. I don't want to make any mistakes and end up with any problems. Either way I love my job for the most part, and it pays the bills for the most part.

I say all of this to give you a general idea of where my views might be coming from. I'm going to do my best to start blogging everyday or at least more than I have in the past. I have no idea what the subjects will be so if your interested in lively conversation feel free to join in.

Welcome Back!

Life has been fairly hectic lately, in fact its been more than just lately. The craziness is part of the reason this blog was "abandoned". My blog has been on my mind for quite some time these days, I couldn't decide if I wanted to pick it back up as a hobby or not. I kept telling myself, I'll get around to it or what does it really matter I have no readers. But when it came down to it I told myself I needed to finish it. This blog started in response to a book I read called Julie and Julia . My plan was to have my own Julia/Julie project. Now for those of you who are thinking "come on she can't be serious this has already been done, there's a book and a movie for crying out loud". I'll admit it does sound a little stupid, but here are the reasons why I want to do it.

1. It isn't the kind of project your thinking. It's a plan toward a healthier me. (This includes everything from diet to sleep, you name it it's included)

2. I want to do this because I started and I'm trying to finish things I start. I'm trying to avoid feeling regret or loss for this things I never did or never tried.

3. Just because I want to. There is no explanation to go with this one. It's simple.

For those of you who do end up following this blog welcome and thanks for reading. Those of you who come across my blog and find yourself not interested that's ok too! Hope all of you have a wonderful day and I'll see you next time.

Look for tomorrow's post on Organized packing: Huge time waster or super important?